Someone Has Captured My Heart

Today was my last day at the orphanage as I will be venturing out tomorrow to visit another special needs facility in the area, then I will leave this city on Sunday to head to a another part of the country. 

I have only spent 5 days in this place, and in the past couple of days, I’ve been fairly ready to see more places like this one … until this afternoon came & changed my world.  I came to this country – completely not expecting what happened today to happen.

In these 5 days, I have bonded really well with one of the kids.  The minute I walked in, I was drawn to him & he was drawn to me– and the funny thing is that he does not have Down syndrome.  (hehe)  Every time our small group would walk in for the morning or from a break, he would run up to me with a huge smile on his face, grab my hand, and drag me to the toy cabinet.  I’ve asked myself the question of “Why does he like me so much?”  We didn’t even speak the same language, but for some reason God put something in his heart to love me, and God put something so strong in mine to adore his sweet soul. 

Throughout the week, I was pretty much with him 90% of the time.  He was always right there by my side putting together puzzles, playing with blocks or dominoes.  I would defend him if other kids picked on him or stole the toy that he was playing with.  He was my little man.  He even told one of the girls that I was like a big sister to him. 

I have enjoyed watching his interactions with other kids, as he is by far one of the smallest kids in this room therefore making it very easy for the others to pick on him if they wanted to.  He has the heart of gold.  If one of the kids came and took a toy from him, he rarely got upset; he would look up at me smile, then laugh and kind of have an “oh well – they can have it – no biggie” attitude.  It completely reminded me of “Turn your other cheek … give you cloak … run two miles” out of scripture.  He was full of joy always. 

As this week flew by, I grew closer to him each day and wondered more about his situation.  I know that he is in this special needs orphanage, but I developed this mindset of “He does not belong here.”  He is high functioning – both cognitively and physically. He has so much potential, but is being extremely limited by his circumstance.  (I sit here in tears as I write this.)  I’ve asked myself over and over again why this sweet little boy has to be in this situation: no parents, abandoned, living here where there are so many limitations.  What is the reality of how I can actually help change that?  I know that there is a reason and he may not even understand the lack of care he is receiving because he is so used to the routine.  All week, I’ve been asking myself how to get him out of this and give him opportunity. 

This morning (my last morning there), we were able to go on the playground.  He kept pointing up at the slides, telling me to run up the slide to see if I can make it all the way up.  We did this over and over and over again.  Each and every single time, he just laughed and laughed.  He has this smile that can really light up your life.  He truly is absolutely precious. 

This afternoon, when we got back from our lunch, we played for a bit, then he headed off to class.  Once he returned, we only had 30 minutes left together, so I decided to get someone to tell him that I was leaving.  Once they told him, the light in his eyes disappeared, his shoulders dropped, & he began to sob.  He couldn’t even look at me.  I held myself together at first, but after it continued, I lost it.  We gathered around to try and make him feel better, but it was not helping.  He wasn’t listening when the teacher told him to go wash his face; he just kind of sat there – limp.  His friend was leaving him.  I told them to tell him that there were other people coming soon to visit him, & he said he didn’t care about the other teams coming.  He said he especially liked me!  I know that I especially liked him too.  The sobbing calmed down, so I told him “I love you” in his language and the sobbing started all over again.  This is really when it began to get to me. 

He is 10 years old.  If he is not adopted by the time he is 14, he has no chance of getting out of this country to find a family.  He is a little older so that lowers his chances of getting a family now.  I look at him & know that he does not fit the mold in this place.  He shouldn’t have to live here for the rest of his life.  I’m thinking of all these things, as he begins to calm down again.  We walk outside & take some pictures together – I say I love you, and he loses it again.  I, of course have tears rolling down my face & no words to say other than “I’m so sorry.”  I am so sorry to break this little boys heart – whether this was to happen today or next week – it was going to happen.  I feel like such a hypocrite for some reason.  What am I really doing with my life right now?  I can’t just run into a place like this, disrupt some kids life to make myself feel like I am doing the right thing, then turn around and walk away like it is nothing.  ….. I only wish that he knew just how hard this is for me.  It is not easy for me to feel as helpless as I did today.  I seriously cannot do anything right now to make his circumstance any better.  I can't just take him home with me.  I am definitely not walking away with the feeling of “it’s nothing” – it is truly one of the hardest things I’ve actually had to do - look into his eyes & have to walk away knowing the options for his life.  There has to be more for him - there is something exceptionally special about this kid. 

I’ve really never reacted like this, especially in this short amount of time.  I think the hard part for me is knowing that adoption is an option for him, but the question of “will that ever happen for my little man?”  This is his reality.  This is his life.  He is not concerned with what to wear, or what cool gadget to have, or what the ‘cool thing to do’ is.  He is yearning for love & received that for 5 days & now that love is walking out of his life.  He is so lovable but needs someone to love him for his whole life – not just this short amount of time.  I know there is a plan for my little guy, but that does not at all make me feel any better about leaving him.

It is so hard for me to swallow this right now.  I have wept a few times just since a few hours ago and sit here writing literally sobbing with my pillow soaked from tears.  One person truly can make a difference even if you don’t speak the same language.  He has made a difference in mine & I in his.  All it takes is putting in the time & effort to listen or even just a pat on the back or an ‘I love you’.  It truly means the world to some – especially those that only receive it every couple of months. 

Please pray this little boy gets matched with a family.  If you are interested in international adoption there are grants and resources that will help & I know an incredible little boy that has changed my life forever that I’d love to help you find out more about how you can bring this little one home.  Please email me.

With so much sadness & trust,

Lindsey Castilleja



(pictures will be added of him once they get approved to be released)