Catching You Up on Life

Since I now have my own internet, it will allow me to do more blogging and keeping you up-to-date on what is going on in my life from the other side of the world.

Since the last time I blogged:

I took a day to visit the Great Wall of China

 and Forbidden City

 I went to a remote village in Kenya,

 Hung out with the traditional people of the Turkana Tribe.

 I spent the night here, which was an amazing experience to see just how some live day in and day out.

The goal of going out to the this village was to search out people with disabilities, but unfortunately (making a long story short) I did not get to meet anyone.  The hopes are to now go to the slums next week in search of disabilities.

The goal for this week is to get one person a wheelchair!  Pray that all the details come together to make it happen.

Just some pictures

Just wanted to post a few pictures online for you to see.  They will slowly come up on facebook eventually as well.

At Maria's Big House of Hope in Luoyang, China. If you know part of my story, you know that in 2006, I was given the opportunity to have lunch with Steven Curtis Chapman & his family. My purpose in going to the lunch was to present the idea of him helping out with a benefit concert for people with Down syndrome. At that time, he & his family were very focused on adoption, therefore didn't want to get too spread out with that focus. He & his wife had adopted 3 girls from China at that time, bringing the youngest one, Maria, home only because the government thought she had a heart defect (special need) - which after being brought to the US, they learned she was a healthy baby. In 2008, their biological son was driving into the driveway at home, & Maria got excited & somehow got in the way resulting in her passing away at the age of 5. The Chapman's wanted a way to help by building something in remembrance of her so they started a clinic/orphanage in Luoyang, China for kids with disabilities. I was able to spend a day and go visit this place. So grateful that I was able to. The wall above is in the front entry way - the picture that is drawn was the last picture that Maria ever colored.

 Spinach Noodles.  These people can pretty much make noodles out of anything!

 Just taking a stroll in the grocery store!

 Sweet & beautiful little girl on the street. (Yes, I am weird - I took a picture)

George, hanging out in Old Town Luoyang. 

In Tianjin - this is where you'd get your manicure & pedicure.  It just has a pet pig in the front.  Sweet little pig!

Someone Has Captured My Heart

Today was my last day at the orphanage as I will be venturing out tomorrow to visit another special needs facility in the area, then I will leave this city on Sunday to head to a another part of the country. 

I have only spent 5 days in this place, and in the past couple of days, I’ve been fairly ready to see more places like this one … until this afternoon came & changed my world.  I came to this country – completely not expecting what happened today to happen.

In these 5 days, I have bonded really well with one of the kids.  The minute I walked in, I was drawn to him & he was drawn to me– and the funny thing is that he does not have Down syndrome.  (hehe)  Every time our small group would walk in for the morning or from a break, he would run up to me with a huge smile on his face, grab my hand, and drag me to the toy cabinet.  I’ve asked myself the question of “Why does he like me so much?”  We didn’t even speak the same language, but for some reason God put something in his heart to love me, and God put something so strong in mine to adore his sweet soul. 

Throughout the week, I was pretty much with him 90% of the time.  He was always right there by my side putting together puzzles, playing with blocks or dominoes.  I would defend him if other kids picked on him or stole the toy that he was playing with.  He was my little man.  He even told one of the girls that I was like a big sister to him. 

I have enjoyed watching his interactions with other kids, as he is by far one of the smallest kids in this room therefore making it very easy for the others to pick on him if they wanted to.  He has the heart of gold.  If one of the kids came and took a toy from him, he rarely got upset; he would look up at me smile, then laugh and kind of have an “oh well – they can have it – no biggie” attitude.  It completely reminded me of “Turn your other cheek … give you cloak … run two miles” out of scripture.  He was full of joy always. 

As this week flew by, I grew closer to him each day and wondered more about his situation.  I know that he is in this special needs orphanage, but I developed this mindset of “He does not belong here.”  He is high functioning – both cognitively and physically. He has so much potential, but is being extremely limited by his circumstance.  (I sit here in tears as I write this.)  I’ve asked myself over and over again why this sweet little boy has to be in this situation: no parents, abandoned, living here where there are so many limitations.  What is the reality of how I can actually help change that?  I know that there is a reason and he may not even understand the lack of care he is receiving because he is so used to the routine.  All week, I’ve been asking myself how to get him out of this and give him opportunity. 

This morning (my last morning there), we were able to go on the playground.  He kept pointing up at the slides, telling me to run up the slide to see if I can make it all the way up.  We did this over and over and over again.  Each and every single time, he just laughed and laughed.  He has this smile that can really light up your life.  He truly is absolutely precious. 

This afternoon, when we got back from our lunch, we played for a bit, then he headed off to class.  Once he returned, we only had 30 minutes left together, so I decided to get someone to tell him that I was leaving.  Once they told him, the light in his eyes disappeared, his shoulders dropped, & he began to sob.  He couldn’t even look at me.  I held myself together at first, but after it continued, I lost it.  We gathered around to try and make him feel better, but it was not helping.  He wasn’t listening when the teacher told him to go wash his face; he just kind of sat there – limp.  His friend was leaving him.  I told them to tell him that there were other people coming soon to visit him, & he said he didn’t care about the other teams coming.  He said he especially liked me!  I know that I especially liked him too.  The sobbing calmed down, so I told him “I love you” in his language and the sobbing started all over again.  This is really when it began to get to me. 

He is 10 years old.  If he is not adopted by the time he is 14, he has no chance of getting out of this country to find a family.  He is a little older so that lowers his chances of getting a family now.  I look at him & know that he does not fit the mold in this place.  He shouldn’t have to live here for the rest of his life.  I’m thinking of all these things, as he begins to calm down again.  We walk outside & take some pictures together – I say I love you, and he loses it again.  I, of course have tears rolling down my face & no words to say other than “I’m so sorry.”  I am so sorry to break this little boys heart – whether this was to happen today or next week – it was going to happen.  I feel like such a hypocrite for some reason.  What am I really doing with my life right now?  I can’t just run into a place like this, disrupt some kids life to make myself feel like I am doing the right thing, then turn around and walk away like it is nothing.  ….. I only wish that he knew just how hard this is for me.  It is not easy for me to feel as helpless as I did today.  I seriously cannot do anything right now to make his circumstance any better.  I can't just take him home with me.  I am definitely not walking away with the feeling of “it’s nothing” – it is truly one of the hardest things I’ve actually had to do - look into his eyes & have to walk away knowing the options for his life.  There has to be more for him - there is something exceptionally special about this kid. 

I’ve really never reacted like this, especially in this short amount of time.  I think the hard part for me is knowing that adoption is an option for him, but the question of “will that ever happen for my little man?”  This is his reality.  This is his life.  He is not concerned with what to wear, or what cool gadget to have, or what the ‘cool thing to do’ is.  He is yearning for love & received that for 5 days & now that love is walking out of his life.  He is so lovable but needs someone to love him for his whole life – not just this short amount of time.  I know there is a plan for my little guy, but that does not at all make me feel any better about leaving him.

It is so hard for me to swallow this right now.  I have wept a few times just since a few hours ago and sit here writing literally sobbing with my pillow soaked from tears.  One person truly can make a difference even if you don’t speak the same language.  He has made a difference in mine & I in his.  All it takes is putting in the time & effort to listen or even just a pat on the back or an ‘I love you’.  It truly means the world to some – especially those that only receive it every couple of months. 

Please pray this little boy gets matched with a family.  If you are interested in international adoption there are grants and resources that will help & I know an incredible little boy that has changed my life forever that I’d love to help you find out more about how you can bring this little one home.  Please email me.

With so much sadness & trust,

Lindsey Castilleja



(pictures will be added of him once they get approved to be released)

Mi Casa es su Casa

Today was day #2 of being at the orphanage for abandoned kids with disabilities.  I have been placed in the older boys room – which has been a lot of fun.  They have lots of energy!!!

I have had some struggles in the past few days with a couple of things, but there is definitely some growing going on inside.  I can’t fully explain the challenge at the moment, but it really isn’t that big of a deal – but it continues to change the vibe here a bit for me.

The longer I have been here, the more I think about the other places I have been in comparison to what I am seeing right now.

Between the orphanages that I have been to in the three specific countries (India, Kenya, here), there are so many differences, but one in specific that I want to talk about:

In Kenya and India, the kids are home.  They are not at an orphanage – they are at a Children’s Home.  That is their home.  They are somewhere where they ‘belong’.  There is not the opportunity to be adopted out of the home.  They won’t leave until they are older.

Here, a lot of these kids are up for adoption.  They are not home yet.  Some of them may wait the rest of their lives and may NEVER belong to a family.  So then, what happens to them once they get older? Some of them will stay there & literally sit there all day long in a room with no consistent visitors, no real interaction …. Just stare out the window or sit on the bed – unless someone intervenes to give a better quality of life for these individuals, which is happening with the organization I’m working with. 

Something that I was reminded in the midst of some of these thoughts:

NONE OF US are at home yet.  Not you or me, not the kids in Kenya or India, and not the kiddos here.  This is not where we belong.  Our home is eternity with our Father & how great is that is – to BELONG there.  Words cannot describe.

Even if these kids don’t have a picture of that now, I pray they do.  If they never feel like they belong somewhere in their life, my hope is they find their worth & sense of belonging in Him. 

(Sorry this is short, but my blogs might be a bit strange for a few weeks, because I feel limited in words).

I’ll try and post some pictures today though.

Thank you.

Traveling Alone ... Wait! I am not alone!

For a whole month, I had been praying to let the “see ya laters” be with as little tears and anxiety as possible.  Last year when I went overseas alone, I was more than a nervous wreck at the airport.  I seriously was expecting anything that could go wrong to actually go wrong.  I called countless people sobbing through the phone trying to get a full sentence out, but couldn’t (if you were one of those people, you remember. – haha) 

This year was completely different and how grateful I am for that.  We had a going away dinner with so many of my good friends the night before I left.  I was completely expecting not to be able to get out one word, but God allowed for it to go very smooth and I was actually able to have conversations with people.  I was a bit emotional, but overall it wasn’t that bad.  Thursday came and I feel like my mom and I were so busy we really didn’t have a lot of time to be extremely emotional.  I definitely got choked up a few times during the day and just let the tears fall.  We got in the car to head to the airport and that is when it was a bit more of a reality, so I cried.  After we got to the airport, I had to leave my mom, my best friend – who truly will do anything for me – which was by far the hardest part of this process thus far.  Very shortly after she left me at the airport, I began to feel the excitement of not knowing what God had up his sleeve & He reminded me of the potential that each one of His children hold to make a difference in others’ lives for His glory. 

Here is the really awesome part:  Within the first hour of the first plane ride, God began talking to me and comforting me.  It was such a sweet time.  I had been given a stack of letters from a bunch of my friends so I read a couple of those & was just being filled & encouraged!  I was also listening to a Dave Barnes song called “Mine to Love”, which is not a song about God, but as I really listened to some of the words, I felt the Lord so near.

“You’re mine to love.  We have all been waiting on you.  You’re mine to love.  Come into these open arms.  It took some time to wait it out, but I see it now.  You’re worth all the dreaming of.  You're mine to love.  You're mine to love.”

As I listened to this, I saw a little girl, chasing & running hard to be in the arms of her Father, who was just standing & waiting there with his arms open so wide with a huge smile on His face and with the same excitement that this little girl had.  I saw the angels celebrating like I know they do when just ONE person comes to know Christ!  As the little girl ran into the arms of God, they both cried tears of joy & began to laugh.  If you didn’t already guess, the little girl was me.  There was so much worth that I felt – I know whatever happens in the next 8 weeks or next 80 years, this journey is worth it – not primarily because people with disabilities may get some help, but that it all will glorify Christ alone.   As I continued to listen to this song, He said – It’s just you and I now, Lindsey.  Trust me.  You will be amazed.  Just trust.  Much later, as it was time to step off the second plane in Seoul, Korea, I just kind of looked up with a small question mark on my face and He was there with a response before I could even have a full thought, “Take my hand and let me guide you here.”  One of my roommates sent me a text message earlier that said “Have fun letting the Lord romance you.” & His response at that time was just what it felt like - romance.  I am His to love - no one else's.  He is mine to love.  What better relationship that that?

How extraordinary that He is leading my steps – I am not making my path, but He is … and for some reason He chose me to follow Him on this road. 

How grateful I am not to be alone to be on this journey, but to be carried by the Alpha & Omega, Jesus.