Friday the 13th is not SCARY!

Friday the 13^th is a Blessing from Above!

So many have silly superstitions about Friday the 13^th, but I have the complete opposite view of this day – especially after the experience we had.

I don’t want to go into that much detail because my plan is to make a short film about it all (hopefully), but I will try and give you more details about an aspect of today.

On Wednesday, I had a mission: to get two wheelchairs donated or given to 2 families that I know could use them.  Part of both of their stories are that with a wheelchair, the child would be able to get out more, be exposed to more of life, not be locked in a house all day.  I say about ¼ of that was completed on Wednesday.  One of them was presented with a temporary wheelchair until hers comes in, while the other was directed to a more specialized place in Nairobi, which brought us to the best Friday the 13^th ever.

This morning, my mom, Paul, our driver, and I set out with the same goal as Wednesday – to bring an 11 year old boy home with a wheelchair.  We arrived at Association for Physically Disabled of Kenya workshop with so much hope for one boy – one family.  We were on a hunt for a worker named Norah, which happened to not be there at that time, therefore we were directed to others that would take over and take care of the process to get little Karioki measured for his own special chair.  The price we were given regarding the cost of the chair was 10,500 kenyan shillings (about $130ish) – so we were very happy.

There were some errands that my mom and I had to run since I’ve had some difficulty with my account recently, so we left the doctors do what they needed to make this happen for this sweet little one.  A few hours later, we returned with news that they wanted to speak to me regarding some things.  Conclusion was, they didn’t have a chair to fit his measurements so they’d have to order it, and that it was going to cost 18,500 for his chair, plus they thought he needed KAFOs, AFOs, and “Polio BOOTS” which would have all equaled out to roughly 27,000 shillings.  My non-professional brain began thinking about what exactly all of these things were for, understanding that I knew many people that wore AFOs and knew how important they were – but POLIO BOOTS! Seriously?  What do those things actually do?  I know so many people with cerebral palsy who do not wear these shoes – so I had no shame in my speech and had God on my side. 

First I would also like to say I know there is absolutely no way that I could walk in anywhere in the USA and get someone fitted for a chair for $250 and take it home that day.  Maybe I am wrong, but I didn’t have much expectation for this visit – only that my hopes were to take one home. When I found out all they wanted to give him and the price for all of that – I felt there had to be another way. We talked and discussed all of the options with these Kenyans back and forth with the same response – “there is no other way.”  We walked outside to take a look at another wheelchair that supposedly was his size (which ended up not being at all), then again stood there and just went back and forth some more.  Somewhere along the conversation someone said the name “Norah” …. Well I’ll be if this woman named Norah didn’t just pop out of the sky at the perfect time.  HECK YES!!!

As conversation went on, 4:30pm, also known as clock out time, was drawing nearer and nearer.  They all had some discussions in Swahili that I didn’t fully understand but completely felt like I could gather the feel of what was going on.  She basically kicked their butts in gear and told them to go back and check some other chairs to see if they would work.  We ended up going in the office with her telling her about the passions God has given to me leading her to reveal countless files of people all over Kenya and Uganda that have filled out applications to get wheelchairs, but have no way of getting transportation funds to get fit for the chairs - some living 200km+  away, but still in need of chairs. 

The same situation is true for this family that we were helping today except by God’s grace, I was introduced to this man through Naomi’s Village one year ago, which brought us to this place today.  He would not spend the money for transportation to get all the way to Nairobi and pay 27,000 shillings for his son a chair – not because he doesn’t love him, but because he would much rather feed him to keep him alive than spend it on a chair – something that is not a necessity in his life – as much as we Americans may believe that it is.  If this father worked 6 days a week and made 900 shillings a day, he would make 282,600 shillings a year, which equals around $3,314 USD or around $276 a month.  This salary is to provide for himself, his wife, his son with cerebral palsy, and his youngest son who doesn’t have a ‘disability’.  Why would he want to spend $313 (more than a month’s salary) on this equipment when his son has survived thus far?  Getting this equipment is not an option for him or for anyone else in this situation.

As we talked to Norah, she really began to help us open up, which was a blessing.  She was blessed by the entire situation and I feel like she desired more people to intervene like God has allowed us to.  The end result of developing a relationship with her is that we were able to get the sweet little one the special chair, KAFO splints, AFO splints for 10,000 shillings!!! HOLY SMOKES GOD IS GOOD!  (I told them to keep their polio shoes).  So the great thing is, we should be able to come pick up the chair next week.  What a blessing for them and I CANNOT WAIT!! 

Several things hit me today:

1. When Karioki sat in an sample chair, they put a tray on it and in that moment my mind flooded with all the potential this family could have: Communication boards, feeding time, therapy, transportation, getting outside of the house, going to church as an entire family – the one weighing heaviest on my heart was the communication.  Their son may be able to use this tray attached to his chair as a way to communicate to his parents for the first time in 11 years!
2. There is something so great about me not crying.  If you know me, you know I pretty much cry about everything, even though I HATE IT!!!  I know there are times when I don’t cry but feel like I should be crying & those are some of the times that God speaks to me the most.  Today, He said – “Here it is, Lindsey.  Do this for me and nothing or no one else.  This is my gift to you.  Be a part of changing these lives, one by one.”  I would look at my mom and see her tearing up and so excited & I was so excited as well, but definitely more calm about it, which I feel is somewhat abnormal, but also natural in the situation.  Again, I just felt like God said “This is part of it, Lindsey.  My plan for you.  Now keep walking with me and find out more.”  There is peace because of Christ.
3. Like I have somewhat stated, God made it clear of my life’s calling and where I am supposed to be.  I have not experienced anything like this for some reason.  I know I’ve been in many places where God has called me (& plenty where I shouldn’t have been), but this is the first time I felt like a small vision that God gave me was coming to fruition.  All I could do was praise Him and want to worship Him.  (So on the way home, that was what I did – sat in the very back, put in my headphones, and stuck my head out the window in AWE of a Mighty King).  Without Him – none of this would have happened.  The timing of running into Norah.  The timing of my mother being here.  I would not have been able to pay for anything because I have zero access to my bank account right now since someone hacked my account and I shut it down.  God could not have had her here at a better time.  He put a desire in my heart to extend my trip in Kenya & to get mom to leave later too.  He knows if we would have left today (original date planned) that maybe nothing else would have happened for this family.  And for me to even know this family He placed me at Naomi’s Village to meet him last summer.  AhHHH  All the details that God knows long before I ever do amaze me … I could go on and on….

All the little details – God is aware of and is 100% involved with.  Even if we think that He is not aware of  the smallest things in our lives – He is very aware of them.  He gets the small things and he gets the BIG things.  He is the all knowing God & what a great way to spend this “superstitious day”.  I just want to fall and worship with everything I have.

What a blessing today was.  I am so thankful.

I'm terrible at blogging while in Kenya - not sure why, but that is just the way it is.

Life is always unpredictable, isn't it?

In the past few days, I went to pick up my mother from the airport in Nairobi and randomly met Dirk Nowitzski, one of the best NBA basketball players today, and his future in-laws.  How crazy is that?

The Naomi's Village kids got to learn a little about China during FUN FOOD FRIDAY today, try Chinese food, and even try and use Chopstix!  (Adorable)

Just found out that my account got hacked and over $3,000 has been spent in various locations in Nairobi in the past two days.  (This is where I want the focus of this blog to be.)

So as this last statement unfolded just in the past couple of hours for me, I began to realize more the  need for Jesus these people have.  Whether the person that stole the money out of my account has exceptionally little money or a lot of money, Kenya still stands as one of the top 20 poorest countries in the world.  The idea to even make $3,000 in a year might be unheard of for some here.  So in order to have that somewhat handed to you - even if it wasn't legally handed to you - might seem as a miracle to some.  Yes, I am angry  because it is an inconvenience to me to have to sort through all the mess that this person created but a few things God is teaching me:

1. The money is not mine to begin with.  There is confidence in the banking system that I will get every penny back, even if it is a difficult process - especially trying to do it while overseas.

2.  I am going to have to figure this money thing out for the next few weeks maybe a couple of months in regards to all the small details, but I can't imagine the mess that this person has to sort through each day.  I see people here living day to day - literally not knowing how they are going to provide the next meal for their family.  So, in comparison to the life that some live here, I have it so easy in regards to what I will have to sort through.  This is a breeze.

3.  It gives me a reason to pray diligently.  Not that I get the money back, but that this person finds His worth, value, & dependency in a man named Jesus.  It is not by the things of this world that make us who we are & give us fulfillment, but in Christ alone that we find our rest.

It's 2:12am and time to go to sleep.  Please pray for the man with the my account number.  It sure would be neat to run into him somehow and be able to share the love of Christ with him.

Blessings,

Lindsey

Catching You Up on Life

Since I now have my own internet, it will allow me to do more blogging and keeping you up-to-date on what is going on in my life from the other side of the world.

Since the last time I blogged:

I took a day to visit the Great Wall of China

 and Forbidden City

 I went to a remote village in Kenya,

 Hung out with the traditional people of the Turkana Tribe.

 I spent the night here, which was an amazing experience to see just how some live day in and day out.

The goal of going out to the this village was to search out people with disabilities, but unfortunately (making a long story short) I did not get to meet anyone.  The hopes are to now go to the slums next week in search of disabilities.

The goal for this week is to get one person a wheelchair!  Pray that all the details come together to make it happen.

Just some pictures

Just wanted to post a few pictures online for you to see.  They will slowly come up on facebook eventually as well.

At Maria's Big House of Hope in Luoyang, China. If you know part of my story, you know that in 2006, I was given the opportunity to have lunch with Steven Curtis Chapman & his family. My purpose in going to the lunch was to present the idea of him helping out with a benefit concert for people with Down syndrome. At that time, he & his family were very focused on adoption, therefore didn't want to get too spread out with that focus. He & his wife had adopted 3 girls from China at that time, bringing the youngest one, Maria, home only because the government thought she had a heart defect (special need) - which after being brought to the US, they learned she was a healthy baby. In 2008, their biological son was driving into the driveway at home, & Maria got excited & somehow got in the way resulting in her passing away at the age of 5. The Chapman's wanted a way to help by building something in remembrance of her so they started a clinic/orphanage in Luoyang, China for kids with disabilities. I was able to spend a day and go visit this place. So grateful that I was able to. The wall above is in the front entry way - the picture that is drawn was the last picture that Maria ever colored.

 Spinach Noodles.  These people can pretty much make noodles out of anything!

 Just taking a stroll in the grocery store!

 Sweet & beautiful little girl on the street. (Yes, I am weird - I took a picture)

George, hanging out in Old Town Luoyang. 

In Tianjin - this is where you'd get your manicure & pedicure.  It just has a pet pig in the front.  Sweet little pig!

Someone Has Captured My Heart

Today was my last day at the orphanage as I will be venturing out tomorrow to visit another special needs facility in the area, then I will leave this city on Sunday to head to a another part of the country. 

I have only spent 5 days in this place, and in the past couple of days, I’ve been fairly ready to see more places like this one … until this afternoon came & changed my world.  I came to this country – completely not expecting what happened today to happen.

In these 5 days, I have bonded really well with one of the kids.  The minute I walked in, I was drawn to him & he was drawn to me– and the funny thing is that he does not have Down syndrome.  (hehe)  Every time our small group would walk in for the morning or from a break, he would run up to me with a huge smile on his face, grab my hand, and drag me to the toy cabinet.  I’ve asked myself the question of “Why does he like me so much?”  We didn’t even speak the same language, but for some reason God put something in his heart to love me, and God put something so strong in mine to adore his sweet soul. 

Throughout the week, I was pretty much with him 90% of the time.  He was always right there by my side putting together puzzles, playing with blocks or dominoes.  I would defend him if other kids picked on him or stole the toy that he was playing with.  He was my little man.  He even told one of the girls that I was like a big sister to him. 

I have enjoyed watching his interactions with other kids, as he is by far one of the smallest kids in this room therefore making it very easy for the others to pick on him if they wanted to.  He has the heart of gold.  If one of the kids came and took a toy from him, he rarely got upset; he would look up at me smile, then laugh and kind of have an “oh well – they can have it – no biggie” attitude.  It completely reminded me of “Turn your other cheek … give you cloak … run two miles” out of scripture.  He was full of joy always. 

As this week flew by, I grew closer to him each day and wondered more about his situation.  I know that he is in this special needs orphanage, but I developed this mindset of “He does not belong here.”  He is high functioning – both cognitively and physically. He has so much potential, but is being extremely limited by his circumstance.  (I sit here in tears as I write this.)  I’ve asked myself over and over again why this sweet little boy has to be in this situation: no parents, abandoned, living here where there are so many limitations.  What is the reality of how I can actually help change that?  I know that there is a reason and he may not even understand the lack of care he is receiving because he is so used to the routine.  All week, I’ve been asking myself how to get him out of this and give him opportunity. 

This morning (my last morning there), we were able to go on the playground.  He kept pointing up at the slides, telling me to run up the slide to see if I can make it all the way up.  We did this over and over and over again.  Each and every single time, he just laughed and laughed.  He has this smile that can really light up your life.  He truly is absolutely precious. 

This afternoon, when we got back from our lunch, we played for a bit, then he headed off to class.  Once he returned, we only had 30 minutes left together, so I decided to get someone to tell him that I was leaving.  Once they told him, the light in his eyes disappeared, his shoulders dropped, & he began to sob.  He couldn’t even look at me.  I held myself together at first, but after it continued, I lost it.  We gathered around to try and make him feel better, but it was not helping.  He wasn’t listening when the teacher told him to go wash his face; he just kind of sat there – limp.  His friend was leaving him.  I told them to tell him that there were other people coming soon to visit him, & he said he didn’t care about the other teams coming.  He said he especially liked me!  I know that I especially liked him too.  The sobbing calmed down, so I told him “I love you” in his language and the sobbing started all over again.  This is really when it began to get to me. 

He is 10 years old.  If he is not adopted by the time he is 14, he has no chance of getting out of this country to find a family.  He is a little older so that lowers his chances of getting a family now.  I look at him & know that he does not fit the mold in this place.  He shouldn’t have to live here for the rest of his life.  I’m thinking of all these things, as he begins to calm down again.  We walk outside & take some pictures together – I say I love you, and he loses it again.  I, of course have tears rolling down my face & no words to say other than “I’m so sorry.”  I am so sorry to break this little boys heart – whether this was to happen today or next week – it was going to happen.  I feel like such a hypocrite for some reason.  What am I really doing with my life right now?  I can’t just run into a place like this, disrupt some kids life to make myself feel like I am doing the right thing, then turn around and walk away like it is nothing.  ….. I only wish that he knew just how hard this is for me.  It is not easy for me to feel as helpless as I did today.  I seriously cannot do anything right now to make his circumstance any better.  I can't just take him home with me.  I am definitely not walking away with the feeling of “it’s nothing” – it is truly one of the hardest things I’ve actually had to do - look into his eyes & have to walk away knowing the options for his life.  There has to be more for him - there is something exceptionally special about this kid. 

I’ve really never reacted like this, especially in this short amount of time.  I think the hard part for me is knowing that adoption is an option for him, but the question of “will that ever happen for my little man?”  This is his reality.  This is his life.  He is not concerned with what to wear, or what cool gadget to have, or what the ‘cool thing to do’ is.  He is yearning for love & received that for 5 days & now that love is walking out of his life.  He is so lovable but needs someone to love him for his whole life – not just this short amount of time.  I know there is a plan for my little guy, but that does not at all make me feel any better about leaving him.

It is so hard for me to swallow this right now.  I have wept a few times just since a few hours ago and sit here writing literally sobbing with my pillow soaked from tears.  One person truly can make a difference even if you don’t speak the same language.  He has made a difference in mine & I in his.  All it takes is putting in the time & effort to listen or even just a pat on the back or an ‘I love you’.  It truly means the world to some – especially those that only receive it every couple of months. 

Please pray this little boy gets matched with a family.  If you are interested in international adoption there are grants and resources that will help & I know an incredible little boy that has changed my life forever that I’d love to help you find out more about how you can bring this little one home.  Please email me.

With so much sadness & trust,

Lindsey Castilleja



(pictures will be added of him once they get approved to be released)

Mi Casa es su Casa

Today was day #2 of being at the orphanage for abandoned kids with disabilities.  I have been placed in the older boys room – which has been a lot of fun.  They have lots of energy!!!

I have had some struggles in the past few days with a couple of things, but there is definitely some growing going on inside.  I can’t fully explain the challenge at the moment, but it really isn’t that big of a deal – but it continues to change the vibe here a bit for me.

The longer I have been here, the more I think about the other places I have been in comparison to what I am seeing right now.

Between the orphanages that I have been to in the three specific countries (India, Kenya, here), there are so many differences, but one in specific that I want to talk about:

In Kenya and India, the kids are home.  They are not at an orphanage – they are at a Children’s Home.  That is their home.  They are somewhere where they ‘belong’.  There is not the opportunity to be adopted out of the home.  They won’t leave until they are older.

Here, a lot of these kids are up for adoption.  They are not home yet.  Some of them may wait the rest of their lives and may NEVER belong to a family.  So then, what happens to them once they get older? Some of them will stay there & literally sit there all day long in a room with no consistent visitors, no real interaction …. Just stare out the window or sit on the bed – unless someone intervenes to give a better quality of life for these individuals, which is happening with the organization I’m working with. 

Something that I was reminded in the midst of some of these thoughts:

NONE OF US are at home yet.  Not you or me, not the kids in Kenya or India, and not the kiddos here.  This is not where we belong.  Our home is eternity with our Father & how great is that is – to BELONG there.  Words cannot describe.

Even if these kids don’t have a picture of that now, I pray they do.  If they never feel like they belong somewhere in their life, my hope is they find their worth & sense of belonging in Him. 

(Sorry this is short, but my blogs might be a bit strange for a few weeks, because I feel limited in words).

I’ll try and post some pictures today though.

Thank you.

Traveling Alone ... Wait! I am not alone!

For a whole month, I had been praying to let the “see ya laters” be with as little tears and anxiety as possible.  Last year when I went overseas alone, I was more than a nervous wreck at the airport.  I seriously was expecting anything that could go wrong to actually go wrong.  I called countless people sobbing through the phone trying to get a full sentence out, but couldn’t (if you were one of those people, you remember. – haha) 

This year was completely different and how grateful I am for that.  We had a going away dinner with so many of my good friends the night before I left.  I was completely expecting not to be able to get out one word, but God allowed for it to go very smooth and I was actually able to have conversations with people.  I was a bit emotional, but overall it wasn’t that bad.  Thursday came and I feel like my mom and I were so busy we really didn’t have a lot of time to be extremely emotional.  I definitely got choked up a few times during the day and just let the tears fall.  We got in the car to head to the airport and that is when it was a bit more of a reality, so I cried.  After we got to the airport, I had to leave my mom, my best friend – who truly will do anything for me – which was by far the hardest part of this process thus far.  Very shortly after she left me at the airport, I began to feel the excitement of not knowing what God had up his sleeve & He reminded me of the potential that each one of His children hold to make a difference in others’ lives for His glory. 

Here is the really awesome part:  Within the first hour of the first plane ride, God began talking to me and comforting me.  It was such a sweet time.  I had been given a stack of letters from a bunch of my friends so I read a couple of those & was just being filled & encouraged!  I was also listening to a Dave Barnes song called “Mine to Love”, which is not a song about God, but as I really listened to some of the words, I felt the Lord so near.

“You’re mine to love.  We have all been waiting on you.  You’re mine to love.  Come into these open arms.  It took some time to wait it out, but I see it now.  You’re worth all the dreaming of.  You're mine to love.  You're mine to love.”

As I listened to this, I saw a little girl, chasing & running hard to be in the arms of her Father, who was just standing & waiting there with his arms open so wide with a huge smile on His face and with the same excitement that this little girl had.  I saw the angels celebrating like I know they do when just ONE person comes to know Christ!  As the little girl ran into the arms of God, they both cried tears of joy & began to laugh.  If you didn’t already guess, the little girl was me.  There was so much worth that I felt – I know whatever happens in the next 8 weeks or next 80 years, this journey is worth it – not primarily because people with disabilities may get some help, but that it all will glorify Christ alone.   As I continued to listen to this song, He said – It’s just you and I now, Lindsey.  Trust me.  You will be amazed.  Just trust.  Much later, as it was time to step off the second plane in Seoul, Korea, I just kind of looked up with a small question mark on my face and He was there with a response before I could even have a full thought, “Take my hand and let me guide you here.”  One of my roommates sent me a text message earlier that said “Have fun letting the Lord romance you.” & His response at that time was just what it felt like - romance.  I am His to love - no one else's.  He is mine to love.  What better relationship that that?

How extraordinary that He is leading my steps – I am not making my path, but He is … and for some reason He chose me to follow Him on this road. 

How grateful I am not to be alone to be on this journey, but to be carried by the Alpha & Omega, Jesus.

Here We Go Again!

The time is almost here to hop on the plane and leave the USA again!  My heart is bursting with excitement because the focus of the next 8 weeks is disabilities and the documentary.  I have been able to plan out my time in country #1 which looks like is going to be incredible & very busy (no I am not going to say - it is a bit of a surprise for those of you that do not already know -  so if you do know please don't post anything about it online).  As far as country #2 goes, - simply thrilled to see this place and do more research.  It is just going to be good for so many different reasons! :-) Country #3 is a bit of an extended fun pit-stop, but you better believe I will have my eye out for disability information in this area.

I cannot express in words the gratitude in my heart to have the opportunities I've had to go to all these places.  Thank you so much for your love, prayers, & emotional/financial support.  I have gotten to see some really amazing things and have met some of the nicest, most loving and welcoming people.  My eyes have witnessed great pain, hurt, confusion, grief, mourning, poverty, & "hopelessness",... and all along, God has shown Himself to be extremely evident and alive throughout some of the most difficult situations. I put the word "hopelessness" in quotations because I do not believe in hopelessness.  There is Hope, but in some of these cultures & day to day life - some do not see what that Hope is.  The Hope is there; it is here.  The Hope will not leave or change.  (Hebrews 13:8) The True Hope finds you were you are and says "You are forgiven and you are loved, my child." We are never left with 'no Hope'.

The goal of the film is to bring the Hope and light to people with disabilities all over the globe.  It is to show the world that these people DO have a voice.  It truly truly bothers me when I hear people or organizations say "We are a voice for the voiceless." ... Yes, this is great because I understand the motivation behind it, but I strongly feel like it is a very inaccurate statement and a horrible marketing slogan.  (It really irritates me, actually.)  People with disabilities have a voice.  We can learn what they want to say, but we must take the time to listen.  The film will show the conditions that people with disabilities live in all over the world, yet allow them to speak for themselves.  I don't want to be their voice because I do not personally understand day to day living as they do, plus I do not really know what they want to say until I listen first.  My hope for the film, for this summer, and for my life is show this population and the ones surrounding them that they are loved and not forgotten.  Why, you might ask ..... well, because I was, I am, & I will be loved and never forgotten by the God of the universe. So the question really is: why wouldn't I desire to do something & share that with them?

My plane leaves on Thursday, May 31 at 8:07pm.  I will arrive at my first destination on Saturday June 2nd at 1am CST.  Please pray for the peace to continue & the anxiety & stress of leaving/transitioning to stay far far away.  I am thrilled for the next 8 weeks and cannot wait to see some of the things that are scheduled!  It really is going to be an incredible summer.

Thank you and will be updating soon.

-Lindsey

Getting to that Mountain

           I have not updated this blog since the excitement of the documentary began, so here I am trying to attempt to put into words what God has done since October 7, 2011.  Much has happened since this time: I began subbing, I went to India (a whole other blog at some point, maybe), my sister graduated from grad school and got engaged, and I have finally gotten to the place where God wanted me to be, which is what this blog will be mostly about.

            On January 27, 2011 a little boy named Joshua was taken to his new home to begin the rest of his life at Naomi’s Village.  This was unknowingly the same day that I, thousands of miles away, put in my resignation at work to go to this place called Naomi’s Village.  On this day I was very aware of the fact that God was going to move in mighty ways in my heart because of the kids, because of the people in Kenya, and because He was bringing me to a place where I could begin to truly submit my life to Him.  I knew great things would happen in Kenya, but I always felt like that wasn’t the “big thing” God was going to do.  In ONLY obedience to God did I even come back from Kenya, because more than anything then I wanted to stay, but again was reminded that I had to come back for reasons only to be revealed.  Life was good when returning.  I was happy.  I didn’t have any ties to a job, I was doing well financially, I was somewhat just cruising through life – all the while knowing that God was getting me ready for something.  In November, I went to India and began subbing – something in which I have really come to enjoy aside from the fact that it is tough to be tough all the time because every day is literally a brand new day.  New kids. New school. (typically) I can be a new face to kids each and every single day with little time to really build a relationship with the students, which has been the most difficult for me.  The reality of subbing has been a confidence builder because other teachers and staff do recognize that I am good with kids.  It has also been a pride buster – because I am aware that I do work well with kids, yet sometimes (rarely) I feel as if I am a little babied because I am “just a sub”.  But, it is all how the process works.  I am gaining experience and tomorrow will mark the day that I have officially taught every single grade K – 12.  I have enjoyed the grades, but hold a special place in my heart for Kindergarten & 1^st grade teachers (NOT FOR ME).  I love them and think they are cute and love to have them for 45 minutes in PE, but I could not ever see myself teaching those grades. I actually find this quite funny because I could spend all day with this age group if they had disabilities, but NOPE – not the “normal” ones! Haha

            Anyway, over Christmas I came to the point in which I felt I had finally reached that mountain where God was ever so patiently waiting for me to come to.  We had just gotten finished looking at my sisters wedding chapel and were on the way home.  I decided to call the bank to see how much money I had left shockingly there was only $27 in my account.  Since I was 15 years old I’ve had a job making some money and especially since graduating from college I had not really ever had to think about where I was spending my money – out to eat – movies - …. Whatever it was, I’ve never really liked just blowing money on silly things, but never worried about running out.  But for the very first time, I personally felt the weight of financial stress.  The great thing: I also knew that for some strange reason – that is the point where God wanted me since January 27.  That was one of the main reasons I had to be obedient to return from Kenya.  I can’t fully explain in words the faithfulness I felt and confidence I felt in God.  Since then He has provided and I have seen people freely give because Christ gave to them.  This isn’t the easiest time in my life, but I wonder if my life were so ‘easy’ if I would be even be striving so hard to get things accomplished that I’ve felt called to do.  The only reason right now I want to make money is to pay bills, have the necessities, and live comfortably. I would not care if I made one cent as long as everything was paid off and I was fed.   I am reminded daily of people all over the world that don’t even have that chance.  They have no opportunity to even think about making a whole $76 a day, much less that in a full month.  Last night I was able to sit with the Mendonsas, who I can’t describe the amount of love & respect my heart truly has for them. (I tear up even just typing that) Julie mentioned persevering through the tough times and the times that maybe are a little mundane because it truly makes you appreciate the celebrations God gives you.  This is one of those times where I know that God has me in His hands, and that is all I can ask for.  There is, or should I say I feel a new refreshed need for Him, which is something I’ve prayed for for a while now.  I’ve seen this picture of God and me a couple of years now where God has had me by the shirt staring at me square in the eyes … and finally FINALLY, because of Him, I am able to slowly surrender and say “Ok, God, You can take control and I don’t want to fight selfishly anymore.  This life is Yours – not mine, so whatever You want is what I want.”  That in itself is tough because I know I am human and I will want the opposite of Him at times, but I pray that my heart begins to fully want His will.  At this point in my life, I could not ask to be in a better place, even if it is as “just a substitute” teacher that makes hardly any money.  I may not have a nice bank account right now, but I have a God that loves me, who is patient, faithful, and is holding me in His arms and growing me into the woman I want to be.  Without the events of last year, this may not have happened.  Even though it has been awhile without my camp job, I think about the decision each and every single day.  I miss camp – the people, but would not change anything because I am finally being broken in ways Ive needed for years now.

I have no idea what God has in store for this year, but I pray that I do get to continue to travel to a couple more countries and search for stories for the documentary to help people with disabilities. 

Again, God speaks to me through music and I just got the guitar chords to a song and could barely make it through the song without crying.  The words are from an old hymn and was rewritten by some people at my church:

Weary.burdened.wand’rer

There.is.rest.....for.thee

At.the.feet.of.Jesus

In.His.love.....so..free.

Listen.to.His.message

Words.of.life,.forever.blest 

Oh,.thou.heavy.laden

 “Come.to.Me,.come.and.rest.”

Chorus

There.is.freedom,.taste.and.see

Hear.the.call,.“Come.to.Me.”

Run.into.His.arms.of.grace

Your.burdened.carried,.He.will.take

Bring.Him.all.thy.burdens,.........All.thy.guilt...and.sin,.

Mercy’s.door.is.open,.........Rise.up..and.enter.in.

Jesus.there.is.waiting,.........Patiently....for.thee,.

Hear.Him.gently.calling,.....“Come,.oh,...come.to.Me.”

“Come,.oh,...come.to.Me.”

“Come,.oh,...come.to.Me.”

I pray that we know, that the nations know of this love and this calling from Jesus. 

Philippians 2:9:10-11 says “that at the name of Jesus EVERY knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and EVERY tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”